Parody: The Buff'lo Nooz

[Achbek1]

This thread is a parody of the Buffalo News.

Feel free to add your own spoofs here.

[Achbek1]

Toenail Clippings Worthy of Saving

By Donnnn Esmund

Gerald R. Huffenstuff gazed downward at his aching feet, splayed across a vintage ottoman purchased at an antique store on his last trip to East Aurora. He bent forward as his hands gripped the stainless steel implement known as a “toenail clipper.” He was already upset because to obtain this toenail clipper he had to set foot in a “big box” drugstore because toenail clippers are not sold anywhere else.

But what really made Mr. Huffenstuff upset was the notion that his wife had just told him to “throw away his toenail clippings” after he had clipped them.

But Huffenstuff prefers to keep his old toenail clippings.

Huffenstuff looked down on his feet and saw the overgrown toenails and was reminded of days gone by. His feet had dipped into the waters on Lake Erie just recently as he sat by the shoreline taking in the beauty of the sights around him. A few weeks earlier he had stubbed his toe while walking across the room and, as a result, part of his toenail ripped. But while he was stubbing his toe, he looked upward and saw a picture of his daughter. He thought of how he and his daughter would play “This Little Piggie” and he would pinch her little toenails.

To Huffenstuff, his toenail clippings are not just “trash basket ready” pieces of waste.

They are priceless artifacts worthy of preserving.

I spoke with Mr. Huffenstuff recently on an overcast early spring day. His stockinged feet were languorously resting on his prized ottoman. The one stocking had a hole near the toe where an overly long nail he had waited too long to cut had ripped through the fabric. But to Huffenstuff, the hole is a battle wound and a testament to his refusal to back down.

Huffenstuff keeps his toenails in a gilded bowl to the left of his chair and ottoman.

His wife is heard clinking pots and pans from the next room.

“She always clinks the pots and pans louder when she is mad at me,” Huffenstuff says as he gives me a knowing look.

He then picks up his gilded bowl of toenail clippings and gingerly sifts though them.

I smile back at Huffenstuff. This is a man who refuses to back down.

If only the residents of Buffalo could do the same.

[atotaltotalfan2001]

Toenail Clippings Worthy of Saving

By Donnnn Esmund

Gerald R. Huffenstuff gazed downward at his aching feet, splayed across a vintage ottoman purchased at an antique store on his last trip to East Aurora. He bent forward as his hands gripped the stainless steel implement known as a “toenail clipper.” He was already upset because to obtain this toenail clipper he had to set foot in a “big box” drugstore because toenail clippers are not sold anywhere else.

But what really made Mr. Huffenstuff upset was the notion that his wife had just told him to “throw away his toenail clippings” after he had clipped them.

But Huffenstuff prefers to keep his old toenail clippings.

Huffenstuff looked down on his feet and saw the overgrown toenails and was reminded of days gone by. His feet had dipped into the waters on Lake Erie just recently as he sat by the shoreline taking in the beauty of the sights around him. A few weeks earlier he had stubbed his toe while walking across the room and, as a result, part of his toenail ripped. But while he was stubbing his toe, he looked upward and saw a picture of his daughter. He thought of how he and his daughter would play “This Little Piggie” and he would pinch her little toenails.

To Huffenstuff, his toenail clippings are not just “trash basket ready” pieces of waste.

They are priceless artifacts worthy of preserving.

I spoke with Mr. Huffenstuff recently on an overcast early spring day. His stockinged feet were languorously resting on his prized ottoman. The one stocking had a hole near the toe where an overly long nail he had waited too long to cut had ripped through the fabric. But to Huffenstuff, the hole is a battle wound and a testament to his refusal to back down.

Huffenstuff keeps his toenails in a gilded bowl to the left of his chair and ottoman.

His wife is heard clinking pots and pans from the next room.

“She always clinks the pots and pans louder when she is mad at me,” Huffenstuff says as he gives me a knowing look.

He then picks up his gilded bowl of toenail clippings and gingerly sifts though them.

I smile back at Huffenstuff. This is a man who refuses to back down.

If only the residents of Buffalo could do the same.

You have way too much time on your hands.

[Achbek1]

You have way too much time on your hands.

Only on weekends, my dear. Only on weekends

[Enough]

You kidding!?!?

That was pretty funny!

[Achbek1]

You kidding!?!?

That was pretty funny!

Come on E, I know you can come up with a spoof of your own or two...

How about a parody of the job postings section?

[Enough]

Come on E, I know you can come up with a spoof of your own or two...

How about a parody of the job postings section?

I was just looking back for an old spoof I did about Hillary giving a grant and I can't find it....

I'm still looking!

[Achbek1]

Homeless Beggar Inspires Poetic Thoughts

By Charitee Vogel

Her shopping cart glistened in the sun. A piece of her ratted hair dangled in front of her eyes as she, in a raspy voice, shouted obscenities at me and then asked me for money.

I see this homeless woman every afternoon as I walk on my lunch break from the News building. Her plaintive wails remind me of a Puccini aria. Her pale skin and translucent eyes are like a figure from a Wyeth painting. Her tattered dress reminds me of one I once tried on at a thrift shop back in college.

But it's not my fault that this woman is homeless. Because I don't live in the suburbs. I live in the country. So it's okay.

[Slim.fsp]

Niagara Falls discontinues plunging school bus ride

http://www.theonion.com/content/radi...s_discontinues

[Incognito]

County Issues
by Matt Spino


Democrats Good.
Republicans Bad.

mspino@buffalonews.com

[Enough]

It’s All Goody

BUFFALO –

In an unprecedented upset, C Goody shocked Niagara County with a win in yesterday’s election for Niagara County Executive. With 95% of the vote counted C Goody currently holds 72% of the vote and his opponent F Cheeser has conceded.

C Goody ran an aggressive and controversial campaign. Mysteriously, 41% of all public sector workers have disappeared since C Goody announced his intention to run back in May yet not one of those disappearances could be attributed to C Goody. Election experts believe it is more than a coincidence that once public sector workers began disappearing poll numbers began to rise for C Goody.

C Goody ran on a platform that eliminated all county departments except for the Sheriff’s patrol. He has already announced that all School Board Members in the county will report to the county building on the day of his inauguration for a public flogging. Leaders for the CSEA, NYSUT and SEIU have tried file judgments against C Goody in State Court but unfortunately the Judges have mysteriously disappeared as well.

Reaction has been mixed in this upset but one thing experts are agreeing on is the effect this election will have on taxpayers. Financial experts predict that County taxes are going to be reduced by 85% if C Goody’s entire platform is passed.

[Achbek1]

And you thought that chicken coops on the city's Lower West Side were a problem, well you ain't seen nuthin' yet...

TOWN OF TONAWANDA MAN KEEPS A PEN OF WARTHOGS ON HIS ROOF

By Ida Nohoo
News Northtowns Bureau

A Town of Tonawanda man has been facing resistance from neighbors after he decided to place a pen on his roof to raise a small herd of warthogs.

Gary K. Meekman of Parker Boulevard in the town describes himself as a "suburban warrior" and an "exotic animal afficianado." He says he decided to raise his own warthogs for both business as well as pleasure. The warthogs themselves give him plenty of enjoyment and he earns extra money on the side by having the animals perform live at local area fairs under the billing "Larry M. and His Dancing Warthog Revue."

But the neighbors on the otherwise quiet street have been upset lately by the warthog pen on top of Meekman's modest ranch home. Sally Huffnutt, who has lived next door to Meekman for twenty years, says, "The stench alone is terrible! Plus the animals squeal all night long and occasionally jump off the roof and try to buck at me as I walk to my car in the morning."

The Town of Tonawanda has issued many warnings to Meekman, but the warthogs are still there. Neighbors have threatened legal action if nothing is done soon.



If you feel like sharing your thoughts about this story, please post them by following our link to INSIDE DA NOOZ. .

Our resident softy Donnnn Esmund is currently working on his retort to this story... He's been toying with the titles, "Warthog on the Roof" or "You Can't Keep A Good Hog Down."

[Achbek1]

Cast of "Hee-Haw" will Reunite for Benefit Concert to Support Urban Farming in Buffalo

By Jeff My-errrrs
Nooz Music Editor and Hipness Consultant

Check your "Urban Cowboy" jokes at the door. The cast of yesteryear's popular country bumpkin music and sketch comedy show "Hee Haw" will reunite to perform at a sold out benefit concert with proceeds supporting urban farming in Buffalo.

Original cast members will be joined by classic country greats such as Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers and others. Yet to add a more local flavor to the event, several area politicians and celebrities will be performing acts as well.

Scheduled performances include:

Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown and Erie County Executive Chris Collins will don overalls and carry pitchforks to perform a sendup of the "Where O Where Are You Tonight?" song.


Erie County Clerk Kathy Hochul will be wearing a straw hat with a price tag to do her tribute to Minne Pearl. One can only hope that Ms. Hochul can be as outlandish with her quips as the dear Ms. Pearl.


Sandy Beach will stand in front of a mechanical picket fence and attempt to make the crowd laugh with some "corny" jokes (yes, this hipster's pun was deliberate) and find himself getting hit in the proverbial keister by the fence.


As mentioned, this concert is currently sold out but tickets are being raffled off at various local fundraisers.

Good luck.

Note: I, being Jeff My-errrrs, had no say in the lineup of this concert's performers. Trust me fellow hipster friends, if I had my way there would have instead been a roots rock fundraiser with Wilco, Steve Earle, Stacey Earle, Robert Earle Keen and the like. I was going to add Ryan Adams to the list, but then I heard that he recently eloped with Mandy Moore. Given that Ms. Moore used to be a teeny bopper performer back in the day who had the gall to make a schmalzy cover of a Waterboys song, Mr. Adams is off my list.

[Achbek1]

JOE MESI OFFERED POSITION TO HEAD UNIVERSITY AT BUFFALO'S CENTER FOR EXCELLENCE IN BIOINFORMATICS! Naysayers comment that he is unqualified, but proponents say, "Hey whatsamatta? He's a nice guy!"

By Eileen Dover
Special to the Nooz



University at Buffalo President John Simpson announced Friday that he will offer former boxer and failed New York State Senate candidate Joe Mesi the chance to run the University's Center for Excellence in Bioinformatics.

Mesi would of course have to turn down his recent position to run the Senate Majority Office, but the chance to be in charge of the Center for Excellence in Bioinformatics might be lucrative to Mesi. "It's something that he's equally unqualified to do," said an undisclosed friend of Mesi's on Friday, "But hey, he's a nice guy. Really. He is."

Apparently scholars and bioinformatics professionals worldwide applied for the position, including one Nobel prize winner. All were turned down and the position was instead offered to Mesi. Mesi was not even required to partake in the interview process or submit a curriculum vitae... But that's okay, said the same friend, because Mesi does not have a curriculum vitae.

A spokesman for Mesi declined to comment other than to say that Mesi earned a C+ in biology class back in high school and he did attend at least a half a semester's worth of chemistry classes while attending Erie Community College.

The position includes an annual salary of $987,000 a year and Mesi will communicate regularly with the National Institutes of Health to discuss funding opportunities and describe the center's current initiatives.

[wheresthesun]

I would parody Kunz-Goldman, but that would be redundant,

On the other hand....hmmmmmmmmmmm...