HELP me Please! What would you do?

[truebe]

Allow me to tell you a bit about my husband whom we will call Ted for his privacy. When I am done please tell me what you think.

Ted is the kind of man that will NEVER admit to a child when he is wrong, and in most cases you have to find solid proof from many resources to proof him wrong before he will acknowledge it, and then he tells you to leave it alone after he fights with you about being right.

Ted sits on the couch and pretends he does so much, when he does nothing but sit on the couch watching TV.

Ted feels that women should do every thing… when I say every thing, I assure you I mean every thing, all the house work (Fine), all the yard work, cleaning the garage, raising the children, bathing him…and on, and on, and on. He said men ONLY need to work and that a man should never do any thing more then work. He should be served hand and foot, and after dinner his feet should be rubbed. He should have absolutely NOTHING to do with raising a child, but I should raise them as he wishes.

Ted has absolutely nothing nice to say, every thing that comes out of his mouth is a direct insult toward something you did or you.

I fear every thing, their isn’t much I don’t fear, partly because my life isn’t much. I know all the advice but when you fear it, even knowing it’s right, it’s hard to get past that. My biggest fear is loosing my house because I can not afford it, and every man interested in me simply don’t make enough, not even remotely close to what Ted makes. This house is special to us, for reasons not completely relevant yet.
So I decided I would go to School (College) and Ted shot that down after only my 3rd day, and because some of my classes were 6pm-9pm the children were abused.

Often I wish Ted would make the decision him self and simply leave, but he wont because he wants citizenship.
He told me if I divorce him he is fighting with every thing he has because he don’t want to give so much as a penny to me, he wants to walk away free and clear. I asked him to pay $800. A month for 2.5 years so I can go to School and finish He said absolutely not. $800. Covers my Mortgage. He wont divorce me, and I along with my children are suffering for it. I have called so many lawyers and cant find a price that suits me. If they said some thing like $300. Period, cool, but they say $300. - $700. And each court date is another amount.

Here is what I want. I want to get a lawyer to prepare the (Legal) papers for me on what I want, then come to my house when Ted is home (unexpected) and review it with Ted, and ask him to sign it, all the while reminding him it could be worse. Hopefully Ted would sign them, if not I would still have them. And ultimately file the papers with Court and get this divorce. But I don’t have the money.

HELP me Please! What would you do?

[OneEmerald]

I have been curious about where "Ted" is from. If you don't want to say, that's OK.

Did "Ted" father any of your children? If so, after a divorce, he would have to pay a percentage of his income for child support which the court can have taken directly out of his pay check. The court can also decide on alimony. Usually these things are worked out between the lawyers.

I sounds like things really suck for you. You need some legal advice FAST. I wish I knew someone. Perhaps someone on the message board knows a lawyer who would give you some advice.

You may have to bite the bullet and find some way to come up with the money to find a reputable lawyer who get you the best divorce deal possible and maybe s/he can put in a stipulation that "Ted" pays a percentage of the attorney fees. Of course you should make it known to the lawyer that your marriage is a sham and that "Ted" married you to get his citizenship.

Good luck to you.

[1964]

You can get free counseling many places, and the web is also a good place to probe for the knowledge you seek. So you can then put everything into perspective. Estimated costs will be provided by many lawyers, or I can suggest buying a Prepaid Legal Plan which will cost you only $25 a month (http://prepaidlegal.com) and they offer all the consultations free, and can help get you going.

Don't let good years dwindle away with Ted. You can get loans for school, and can work a few jobs, and support yourself. The courts and lawyers will help decide Alimony or Child Support. I've seen too many people live miserable lives together. Set yourself free again. If Ted doesn't want to give you penny, that may be the best thing for you.

Escape your comfort zone which has created a miserable existence. Change is good.

Invest in your sanity: Get a divorce!

[buffy]

bathing him…and on, and on,

do you really bathe him and rub his feet?

[truebe]

I have been curious about where "Ted" is from. If you don't want to say, that's OK.

Did "Ted" father any of your children? If so, after a divorce, he would have to pay a percentage of his income for child support which the court can have taken directly out of his pay check. The court can also decide on alimony. Usually these things are worked out between the lawyers.

I sounds like things really suck for you. You need some legal advice FAST. I wish I knew someone. Perhaps someone on the message board knows a lawyer who would give you some advice.

You may have to bite the bullet and find some way to come up with the money to find a reputable lawyer who get you the best divorce deal possible and maybe s/he can put in a stipulation that "Ted" pays a percentage of the attorney fees. Of course you should make it known to the lawyer that your marriage is a sham and that "Ted" married you to get his citizenship.

Good luck to you.

He did not father any of my children, but did take on legal Guardianship of my daughter (whom was conceived of rape) with intent to adopt, but after I had the rapist stricken from her life and won, Ted decided he didn’t want my daughter.

Ted is from India.

[truebe]

do you really bathe him and rub his feet?

NO! I acually said a few choice words then said "welcome to America".

We fight alot because he dont think I am a good wife and he admits he dislikes my children.

[citymouse]

Ok. Now it makes sense. You would probably know this better than me.
I know some people from India. Indian men don't feel that women are their equal. They also have a caste system over there. In the eyes of their society you are a foriegner and a women. He thinks you are beneath him and he thinks your there to serve him.
Why would you marry a guy like that?
I also know a little about immigration. You are the reason he is entitled to citizenship and you can have an influence on wether he gets it or not. You can make it very hard for him to stay here if you want.
You want to know what I would do.? I would spill the beans to immigration that he told you the only reason he married you was for citizenship, and now he wants a diviorce. They will probably send him back to Bangalor on the next plane.

[buffy]

Ok. Now it makes sense. You would probably know this better than me.
I know some people from India. Indian men don't feel that women are their equal. They also have a caste system over there. In the eyes of their society you are a foriegner and a women. He thinks you are beneath him and he thinks your there to serve him.
Why would you marry a guy like that?
I also know a little about immigration. You are the reason he is entitled to citizenship and you can have an influence on wether he gets it or not. You can make it very hard for him to stay here if you want.
You want to know what I would do.? I would spill the beans to immigration that he told you the only reason he married you was for citizenship, and now he wants a diviorce. They will probably send him back to Bangalor on the next plane.

Good advice from Mighty Mouse...you have the power, not him

[ReformWNY]

All I can say is this an an EXCELLENT place to discuss things like this.

[buffy]

yes, we also want to know what is in it for you...he gets citizenship, what are you supposed to get out of the arrangement?

[truebe]

yes, we also want to know what is in it for you...he gets citizenship, what are you supposed to get out of the arrangement?

Nothing

[woodstock]

All I can say is this an an EXCELLENT place to discuss things like this.

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.

[truebe]

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.

These people dont bother me, if they anoy me too much I will simply leave and be done with it. Their are millions of forums and chat lines, I am not restricted to only this one. I have tons of problems in my life and I am using every one here as councel, it's cheaper, and you get more then one point of view.
I choose WNY because we all live in WNY or most of us any way, and the advice can be more right then some one living elsewhere who dont knows laws and all that.

[Stevenco]

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.

No respect Truebe, she says. Freudian slip, for sure. I don't think patients should be giving advice. And don't worry. Truebe won't become a "bad girl" or anything like you. This is freedom of speech, remember. It's an open message board and you are an open target. You can make perverted assumptions about people, I can and will do this, I don't feel sorry for you any longer. I thought at first it was clinical. Now I know that it's anger that drove you mad.

[atotaltotalfan2001]

Allow me to tell you a bit about my husband whom we will call Ted for his privacy. When I am done please tell me what you think.

Ted is the kind of man that will NEVER admit to a child when he is wrong, and in most cases you have to find solid proof from many resources to proof him wrong before he will acknowledge it, and then he tells you to leave it alone after he fights with you about being right.

Ted sits on the couch and pretends he does so much, when he does nothing but sit on the couch watching TV.

Ted feels that women should do every thing… when I say every thing, I assure you I mean every thing, all the house work (Fine), all the yard work, cleaning the garage, raising the children, bathing him…and on, and on, and on. He said men ONLY need to work and that a man should never do any thing more then work. He should be served hand and foot, and after dinner his feet should be rubbed. He should have absolutely NOTHING to do with raising a child, but I should raise them as he wishes.

Ted has absolutely nothing nice to say, every thing that comes out of his mouth is a direct insult toward something you did or you.

I fear every thing, their isn’t much I don’t fear, partly because my life isn’t much. I know all the advice but when you fear it, even knowing it’s right, it’s hard to get past that. My biggest fear is loosing my house because I can not afford it, and every man interested in me simply don’t make enough, not even remotely close to what Ted makes. This house is special to us, for reasons not completely relevant yet.
So I decided I would go to School (College) and Ted shot that down after only my 3rd day, and because some of my classes were 6pm-9pm the children were abused.

Often I wish Ted would make the decision him self and simply leave, but he wont because he wants citizenship.
He told me if I divorce him he is fighting with every thing he has because he don’t want to give so much as a penny to me, he wants to walk away free and clear. I asked him to pay $800. A month for 2.5 years so I can go to School and finish He said absolutely not. $800. Covers my Mortgage. He wont divorce me, and I along with my children are suffering for it. I have called so many lawyers and cant find a price that suits me. If they said some thing like $300. Period, cool, but they say $300. - $700. And each court date is another amount.

Here is what I want. I want to get a lawyer to prepare the (Legal) papers for me on what I want, then come to my house when Ted is home (unexpected) and review it with Ted, and ask him to sign it, all the while reminding him it could be worse. Hopefully Ted would sign them, if not I would still have them. And ultimately file the papers with Court and get this divorce. But I don’t have the money.

HELP me Please! What would you do?

This organization might be able to help you, or at least point you in the direction of affordable legal counsel as well as psychologists, job placement, child care etc. It is based in Buffalo.

http://www.everywoman.org/

If you plan to leave Ted, can I advise you to have all your ducks lined up first, and to not expect him to be thankful in any way that it "could be worse." Go a lawyer first -- quietly, so Ted can't sabotage you, and take the kids if you need to so he's not alone with them.

Don't lose heart. Other women have done this and so can you.