A BUFFALONIAN GOES TO HELL
Carl Paladino dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a wicked, horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as Paladino is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
Carl, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo. Hot, humid, plus I always loved demolishing old buildings! This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder Carl's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing into his eyes, Carl is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
Paladino replies, "This is great! Just like April in Buffalo. It reminds me of landscaping all of my beautiful Rite-Aids!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make Paladino suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make Paladino unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. Paladino is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, Carl throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Bills won the Super Bowl!"
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER in BUFFALO
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll d definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -10 and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -5. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
SPRING BREAK IN MEXICO
Three Buffalo college students go down to Mexico for spring break, spend the entire time drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did all week.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I am from Canisius College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the UB School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Buff State and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
THE CHEEKTOWAGA EYE EXAM
This kid from Cheetowaga turns 16 and goes to to the NY State Department of Motor Vehicles apply for a permit. He is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the young man replies, "He's my uncle."
Three newly-married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Nashville and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Miami. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Buffalo. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
THE COUNTY JOB
A guy goes to the Rath Building to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes ,100%, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
AND THEN GOD CREATED...
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've created."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it and I call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Erie County, the most glorious place on earth. There will be beautiful hills, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands. The people from Erie County are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will build a beautiful city with great architecture. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in their county legislature!"
BARBIES FOR BUFFALO
Clarence Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at the Galleria Mall. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Courvoisier and a cookie cutter $1,000,000.00 McMansion. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold separately.
Tonawanda Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Niagara Street Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie is available after dark and must be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills.
East Aurora Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and Roycroft membership. Also available for this set is Artistic Ken, who has a potter's wheel and no visible means of support.
South Buffalo Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a Hooters t-shirt and a shamrock tattoo. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Twisted Sister CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Buffalo Sabres bumper sticker absolutely free.
Amherst Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.
Lackawanna Barbie: This chain-smoking, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of another Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Cheektowaga version comes with a mobile home and pink flamingo.
Lexington Co-op Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has multi-colored dreadlocks, unshaved armpits, no makeup and multiple piercings. Purchase Barbie's new Co-op blueprints and get a free demolition permit for the pre-WWI building of your choice.
BMHA Barbie: This Barbie comes with a stroller and infant doll. Ken is available, but difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Broadway/Fillmore Barbie: This model comes with a choir robes, a collection plate, a bible, and is automated. Pull the string and she raises her right hand and praises the lord. Available in four styles: Baptist, Jehovah's Witness, African-Methodist- Episcopal, and (this week's special) Urban Storefront.
Elmwood Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts. Comes with your choice of CD: Ani DiFranco or Broadway's Greatest Hits.
A blonde who had lived in Buffalo all her life wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Spot coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF HSBC ARENA."
A wealthy tax lawyer was riding home to Clarence in his limousine when he saw two men along the 33 eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to pull over and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We do not have money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, then, you must come with me to my house," the lawyer said.
"Sir, I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he urged, "You come with us also."
The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "Sir, I also have a wife and we have six children!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all piled the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. Once underway, one poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You will love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Two boys from Buffalo, NY are playing street hockey when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid pit bull. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Buffalo News reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Sabres Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Buffalo Sabres fan," the young hero replies.
"Sorry," replied the reporter, "since we're in Buffalo, I just assumed you were." "Bills Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," the reporter continues in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Buffalo Bills fan, either," the boy responds.
"I just thought everyone in Buffalo was either a Sabres or a Bill's fan," replied the reporter, "Whom do you root for?"
"I'm a Toronto Maple Leaf fan," the boy answers proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Canadian Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
THE ERIE COUNTY CORONER
Three dead bodies turn up at the Erie County morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body. M & T bank executive, 60, died of heart failure in the Hyatt while in bed with his mistress, hence the enormous smile," says the Coroner.
"Second body. South Buffalo cab driver, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey; died of alcohol poisoning; hence the smile, sir."
The detective asked, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Common Council member, age 45, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling, then?" asks the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
LOST IN A BLIZZARD
A UB student from downstate got lost in her car in a Buffalo blizzard. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it." Pretty soon a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm through with the Wegman's lot, now you can follow me over to Tops."