HELP me Please! What would you do?

[truebe]

Allow me to tell you a bit about my husband whom we will call Ted for his privacy. When I am done please tell me what you think.

Ted is the kind of man that will NEVER admit to a child when he is wrong, and in most cases you have to find solid proof from many resources to proof him wrong before he will acknowledge it, and then he tells you to leave it alone after he fights with you about being right.

Ted sits on the couch and pretends he does so much, when he does nothing but sit on the couch watching TV.

Ted feels that women should do every thing… when I say every thing, I assure you I mean every thing, all the house work (Fine), all the yard work, cleaning the garage, raising the children, bathing him…and on, and on, and on. He said men ONLY need to work and that a man should never do any thing more then work. He should be served hand and foot, and after dinner his feet should be rubbed. He should have absolutely NOTHING to do with raising a child, but I should raise them as he wishes.

Ted has absolutely nothing nice to say, every thing that comes out of his mouth is a direct insult toward something you did or you.

I fear every thing, their isn’t much I don’t fear, partly because my life isn’t much. I know all the advice but when you fear it, even knowing it’s right, it’s hard to get past that. My biggest fear is loosing my house because I can not afford it, and every man interested in me simply don’t make enough, not even remotely close to what Ted makes. This house is special to us, for reasons not completely relevant yet.
So I decided I would go to School (College) and Ted shot that down after only my 3rd day, and because some of my classes were 6pm-9pm the children were abused.

Often I wish Ted would make the decision him self and simply leave, but he wont because he wants citizenship.
He told me if I divorce him he is fighting with every thing he has because he don’t want to give so much as a penny to me, he wants to walk away free and clear. I asked him to pay $800. A month for 2.5 years so I can go to School and finish He said absolutely not. $800. Covers my Mortgage. He wont divorce me, and I along with my children are suffering for it. I have called so many lawyers and cant find a price that suits me. If they said some thing like $300. Period, cool, but they say $300. - $700. And each court date is another amount.

Here is what I want. I want to get a lawyer to prepare the (Legal) papers for me on what I want, then come to my house when Ted is home (unexpected) and review it with Ted, and ask him to sign it, all the while reminding him it could be worse. Hopefully Ted would sign them, if not I would still have them. And ultimately file the papers with Court and get this divorce. But I don’t have the money.

HELP me Please! What would you do? :confused:

[OneEmerald]

I have been curious about where "Ted" is from. If you don't want to say, that's OK.

Did "Ted" father any of your children? If so, after a divorce, he would have to pay a percentage of his income for child support which the court can have taken directly out of his pay check. The court can also decide on alimony. Usually these things are worked out between the lawyers.

I sounds like things really suck for you. You need some legal advice FAST. I wish I knew someone. Perhaps someone on the message board knows a lawyer who would give you some advice.

You may have to bite the bullet and find some way to come up with the money to find a reputable lawyer who get you the best divorce deal possible and maybe s/he can put in a stipulation that "Ted" pays a percentage of the attorney fees. Of course you should make it known to the lawyer that your marriage is a sham and that "Ted" married you to get his citizenship.

Good luck to you.

[1964]

You can get free counseling many places, and the web is also a good place to probe for the knowledge you seek. So you can then put everything into perspective. Estimated costs will be provided by many lawyers, or I can suggest buying a Prepaid Legal Plan which will cost you only $25 a month (http://prepaidlegal.com (http://prepaidlegal.com/)) and they offer all the consultations free, and can help get you going.

Don't let good years dwindle away with Ted. You can get loans for school, and can work a few jobs, and support yourself. The courts and lawyers will help decide Alimony or Child Support. I've seen too many people live miserable lives together. Set yourself free again. If Ted doesn't want to give you penny, that may be the best thing for you.

Escape your comfort zone which has created a miserable existence. Change is good.

Invest in your sanity: Get a divorce!

[buffy]

bathing him…and on, and on,
do you really bathe him and rub his feet?

[truebe]

I have been curious about where "Ted" is from. If you don't want to say, that's OK.

Did "Ted" father any of your children? If so, after a divorce, he would have to pay a percentage of his income for child support which the court can have taken directly out of his pay check. The court can also decide on alimony. Usually these things are worked out between the lawyers.

I sounds like things really suck for you. You need some legal advice FAST. I wish I knew someone. Perhaps someone on the message board knows a lawyer who would give you some advice.

You may have to bite the bullet and find some way to come up with the money to find a reputable lawyer who get you the best divorce deal possible and maybe s/he can put in a stipulation that "Ted" pays a percentage of the attorney fees. Of course you should make it known to the lawyer that your marriage is a sham and that "Ted" married you to get his citizenship.

Good luck to you.
He did not father any of my children, but did take on legal Guardianship of my daughter (whom was conceived of rape) with intent to adopt, but after I had the rapist stricken from her life and won, Ted decided he didn’t want my daughter.

Ted is from India.

[truebe]

do you really bathe him and rub his feet?
NO! I acually said a few choice words then said "welcome to America".

We fight alot because he dont think I am a good wife and he admits he dislikes my children.

[citymouse]

Ok. Now it makes sense. You would probably know this better than me.
I know some people from India. Indian men don't feel that women are their equal. They also have a caste system over there. In the eyes of their society you are a foriegner and a women. He thinks you are beneath him and he thinks your there to serve him.
Why would you marry a guy like that?
I also know a little about immigration. You are the reason he is entitled to citizenship and you can have an influence on wether he gets it or not. You can make it very hard for him to stay here if you want.
You want to know what I would do.? I would spill the beans to immigration that he told you the only reason he married you was for citizenship, and now he wants a diviorce. They will probably send him back to Bangalor on the next plane.

[buffy]

Ok. Now it makes sense. You would probably know this better than me.
I know some people from India. Indian men don't feel that women are their equal. They also have a caste system over there. In the eyes of their society you are a foriegner and a women. He thinks you are beneath him and he thinks your there to serve him.
Why would you marry a guy like that?
I also know a little about immigration. You are the reason he is entitled to citizenship and you can have an influence on wether he gets it or not. You can make it very hard for him to stay here if you want.
You want to know what I would do.? I would spill the beans to immigration that he told you the only reason he married you was for citizenship, and now he wants a diviorce. They will probably send him back to Bangalor on the next plane.

Good advice from Mighty Mouse...you have the power, not him :)

[ReformWNY]

All I can say is this an an EXCELLENT place to discuss things like this.

[buffy]

yes, we also want to know what is in it for you...he gets citizenship, what are you supposed to get out of the arrangement?

[truebe]

yes, we also want to know what is in it for you...he gets citizenship, what are you supposed to get out of the arrangement?
Nothing

[woodstock]

All I can say is this an an EXCELLENT place to discuss things like this.

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.

[truebe]

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.
These people dont bother me, if they anoy me too much I will simply leave and be done with it. Their are millions of forums and chat lines, I am not restricted to only this one. I have tons of problems in my life and I am using every one here as councel, it's cheaper, and you get more then one point of view.
I choose WNY because we all live in WNY or most of us any way, and the advice can be more right then some one living elsewhere who dont knows laws and all that.

[Stevenco]

Yep, and it's also a good place for ppl to forget they are letting out too much of themselves out (on the internet) that may be used against them at another time. Ppl forget what they say, but when in text..... it's never totally forgotten in a message board archive.

No respect truebe, but you really are lettng lose on too much personal information that the site won't protect ... should you become a "bad girl" (create certain threads) like woodstock.

No respect Truebe, she says. Freudian slip, for sure. I don't think patients should be giving advice. And don't worry. Truebe won't become a "bad girl" or anything like you. This is freedom of speech, remember. It's an open message board and you are an open target. You can make perverted assumptions about people, I can and will do this, I don't feel sorry for you any longer. I thought at first it was clinical. Now I know that it's anger that drove you mad.

[atotaltotalfan2001]

Allow me to tell you a bit about my husband whom we will call Ted for his privacy. When I am done please tell me what you think.

Ted is the kind of man that will NEVER admit to a child when he is wrong, and in most cases you have to find solid proof from many resources to proof him wrong before he will acknowledge it, and then he tells you to leave it alone after he fights with you about being right.

Ted sits on the couch and pretends he does so much, when he does nothing but sit on the couch watching TV.

Ted feels that women should do every thing… when I say every thing, I assure you I mean every thing, all the house work (Fine), all the yard work, cleaning the garage, raising the children, bathing him…and on, and on, and on. He said men ONLY need to work and that a man should never do any thing more then work. He should be served hand and foot, and after dinner his feet should be rubbed. He should have absolutely NOTHING to do with raising a child, but I should raise them as he wishes.

Ted has absolutely nothing nice to say, every thing that comes out of his mouth is a direct insult toward something you did or you.

I fear every thing, their isn’t much I don’t fear, partly because my life isn’t much. I know all the advice but when you fear it, even knowing it’s right, it’s hard to get past that. My biggest fear is loosing my house because I can not afford it, and every man interested in me simply don’t make enough, not even remotely close to what Ted makes. This house is special to us, for reasons not completely relevant yet.
So I decided I would go to School (College) and Ted shot that down after only my 3rd day, and because some of my classes were 6pm-9pm the children were abused.

Often I wish Ted would make the decision him self and simply leave, but he wont because he wants citizenship.
He told me if I divorce him he is fighting with every thing he has because he don’t want to give so much as a penny to me, he wants to walk away free and clear. I asked him to pay $800. A month for 2.5 years so I can go to School and finish He said absolutely not. $800. Covers my Mortgage. He wont divorce me, and I along with my children are suffering for it. I have called so many lawyers and cant find a price that suits me. If they said some thing like $300. Period, cool, but they say $300. - $700. And each court date is another amount.

Here is what I want. I want to get a lawyer to prepare the (Legal) papers for me on what I want, then come to my house when Ted is home (unexpected) and review it with Ted, and ask him to sign it, all the while reminding him it could be worse. Hopefully Ted would sign them, if not I would still have them. And ultimately file the papers with Court and get this divorce. But I don’t have the money.

HELP me Please! What would you do? :confused:

This organization might be able to help you, or at least point you in the direction of affordable legal counsel as well as psychologists, job placement, child care etc. It is based in Buffalo.

http://www.everywoman.org/

If you plan to leave Ted, can I advise you to have all your ducks lined up first, and to not expect him to be thankful in any way that it "could be worse." Go a lawyer first -- quietly, so Ted can't sabotage you, and take the kids if you need to so he's not alone with them.

Don't lose heart. Other women have done this and so can you.

[truebe]

Oh never mind, it's too big

[Batman]

Don't know how or why you got into this situation, but, get out of it as soon as possible.

[300miles]

... the children were abused.
Call the police! It's free!

[lucy5253]

Call legal aid, if they can't help you ask them who can, I would leave him and go to a women's shelter..good luck

[steven]

was ted always like this?

[Riven37]

Allow me to tell you a bit about my husband whom we will call Ted for his privacy. When I am done please tell me what you think.

Ted is the kind of man that will NEVER admit to a child when he is wrong, and in most cases you have to find solid proof from many resources to proof him wrong before he will acknowledge it, and then he tells you to leave it alone after he fights with you about being right.

(REPLY: He always needs to be right.)

Ted sits on the couch and pretends he does so much, when he does nothing but sit on the couch watching TV.


(REPLY: Momma's boy ??)

Ted feels that women should do every thing… when I say every thing, I assure you I mean every thing, all the house work (Fine), all the yard work, cleaning the garage, raising the children, bathing him…and on, and on, and on. He said men ONLY need to work and that a man should never do any thing more then work. He should be served hand and foot, and after dinner his feet should be rubbed. He should have absolutely NOTHING to do with raising a child, but I should raise them as he wishes.

(REPLY: Sounds like women are the lower level of sleve.)

Ted has absolutely nothing nice to say, every thing that comes out of his mouth is a direct insult toward something you did or you.

(REPLY: Feel he's better then you, which make it abusive overall)

I fear every thing, their isn’t much I don’t fear, partly because my life isn’t much. I know all the advice but when you fear it, even knowing it’s right, it’s hard to get past that. My biggest fear is loosing my house because I can not afford it, and every man interested in me simply don’t make enough, not even remotely close to what Ted makes. This house is special to us, for reasons not completely relevant yet.
So I decided I would go to School (College) and Ted shot that down after only my 3rd day, and because some of my classes were 6pm-9pm the children were abused.

(REPLY: He's in control and knows it)

Often I wish Ted would make the decision him self and simply leave, but he wont because he wants citizenship.
He told me if I divorce him he is fighting with every thing he has because he don’t want to give so much as a penny to me, he wants to walk away free and clear. I asked him to pay $800. A month for 2.5 years so I can go to School and finish He said absolutely not. $800. Covers my Mortgage. He wont divorce me, and I along with my children are suffering for it. I have called so many lawyers and cant find a price that suits me. If they said some thing like $300. Period, cool, but they say $300. - $700. And each court date is another amount.

(REPLY: He know's he holds all thep ower, and knows it) And (HE needs a green card to boot)

Here is what I want. I want to get a lawyer to prepare the (Legal) papers for me on what I want, then come to my house when Ted is home (unexpected) and review it with Ted, and ask him to sign it, all the while reminding him it could be worse. Hopefully Ted would sign them, if not I would still have them. And ultimately file the papers with Court and get this divorce. But I don’t have the money.

(REPLY: Sorry, there is no lawyer will do what you are asking of him. I know I've been there more then once. Besides, with the right lawyer you could get everything or you could lose everything. It really comes down to who fiels first with the right amount of money, I know, I am the expert here, and I have paid for all the lawyer, apartments, house, etc... car payments, child support, education, and also for relocation.)


HELP me Please! What would you do? :confused:

(REPLY: The best thing you can do is use he's need for a green card against him. Because he not being a citizen you may not get much payment out of him in the first place. I would begin to gain your power back. You have given him too much power over your own life then you were aware of. Begin to gain it back by standing up to him. You want to go to college at night, tell him to deal with it or you will begin to report his phsyical, verbal, emotional abue to the police. Tell him he must let you attend school if he doesn't you're going to make his life a living hell, and you start with his job. By showing up unannounce state you thought he wanted you to come to his work to give him a foot rub infront of all his co-workers. This alone will make him think.)

I suggest, you seek out a batter womens home, and them for a bit of help. It's always better to stop it before you're dead. I no longer been in the feild and I have no contact numbers any longer to give you but if you check the phone book I suggest you call one to speak to them before you're really sorry. I fully understand your situation, and it is not a joking matter. Call Catholic Charities womens abuse division. If anyone can help you its them. I'd worked for them for 15 months running the Man to Man abuse program meaning, I placed the men in jail if they failed to comply with the courts decisions handed down. Start there with CC.

Remember this, when women are abused by their partners it is a plan, callolating process by the men. It plan, because the men feel out of control, then control to feel incontrol, and do feel this control they abuse their partners, and/or children. When the husbands abuse the children they do show to keep her in line. It becomes the tool inwhich to keep here in fear, summission overall. I have nothing more to give you, I hope you do the right thing call Catholic Charities first.

[Riven37]

Buffalo Domestic Violence & Neglect Attorney, Lawyer, Law Firm ...

[buffy]

I don't think trube is saying she or her children are being physically abused by him and I don't think trube is saying that she wants to leave her home and go live in a women's shelter. What I think trube IS saying is how can she come out of this mess with SOMETHING.

I think the best way around this is to have him agree to help you become self-sufficient. I think going to school is FIRST & FOREMOST. If he doesn't want to babysit while you go to school, then, he should be able to afford a babysitter to take care of the kids while he sits on the couch watching TV. I wouldn't go to school leaving HIM in charge of my kids knowing how he feels about them

[truebe]

I don't think trube is saying she or her children are being physically abused by him and I don't think trube is saying that she wants to leave her home and go live in a women's shelter. What I think trube IS saying is how can she come out of this mess with SOMETHING.

I think the best way around this is to have him agree to help you become self-sufficient. I think going to school is FIRST & FOREMOST. If he doesn't want to babysit while you go to school, then, he should be able to afford a babysitter to take care of the kids while he sits on the couch watching TV. I wouldn't go to school leaving HIM in charge of my kids knowing how he feels about them
your absolutly right. I want my house. every thing you said, is right.

I have been talking to him more and more, I am trying to get some place. and tonight I did in fact ask him how bad he wanted to be a citizen.... and then told him it wont happen until I go to School and finish.

He then smiled and tried to hug me, I backed up and said "Dont touch me" I dont want this marriage or you at all, I just want to go to School.

So lets see if I can maintain control as Riven said.

I want to thank you all. It is because of all of you that I left my room today, and stood up for my self. I feel a bit better today, and hopfully even more tomorrow.

I love all of you.

[buffy]

He then smiled and tried to hug me, I backed up and said "Dont touch me" I dont want this marriage or you at all, I just want to go to School.
Well, you don't have to be mean about it; you can get more w/honey than vinegar. For the kids' sake try not to fight; sounds like they have enough to deal with.

[wheresthesun]

How big is he? Could you take him?

[truebe]

How big is he? Could you take him?
LOL ... He is build good, I have to say he is VERY good looking, pretty darn hot, most people tell me how HOT he is. He's a poster boy.

But I think he is gay.

Any no Steven he wasnt always this way, in India he was the greatest man alive. we walked under the moon, sat by the pool until 4am making out and talking about stupid things. We laughed alot, and so much more. But my mom said you dont marry your Vacation. Lession learned.

[DR_GONZO]

Just curious, who is that in your avatar? Wondering since you mentioned privacy?

[truebe]

Just curious, who is that in your avatar? Wondering since you mentioned privacy?
It's me, but my hair is permed, so on a normal day my hair is stright, I wear glasses, and no make up, so you would NEVER know it was me.

If you knock on my door you would not know who I was. If i do my hair and make up as I did in this picture then obviously you would know.

[mesue]

NO! I acually said a few choice words then said "welcome to America".

We fight alot because he dont think I am a good wife and he admits he dislikes my children.
Then, get rid of him! NOW! Let him get his own citizenship. What a leach. I'd call INS.
There is no amount of money worth having this non-American creep around for. I say this knowing full well how hard it is to leave an abusive man. I collected bottles for bus fair to go to the Salvation Army to get food vouchers and bus tokens when I took my 9 month old son away from an abusive situation.
I went to school, I met my sweetheart there, I got a good job and my son is a very happy, successful young man.
Your children will thank you for it.
CNA's start at $9 an hour. I know how you can go to classes for free. It takes 8 weeks. There's all kinds of money out there for nursing. Just by reading your posts I know you'd make a good nurse, LPN or RN. A CNA job is just a foot in the door. There are not too many jobs that are as flexable as healthcare.
You are by no means stuck where you are.

[truebe]

Then, get rid of him! NOW! Let him get his own citizenship. What a leach. I'd call INS.
There is no amount of money worth having this non-American creep around for. I say this knowing full well how hard it is to leave an abusive man. I collected bottles for bus fair to go to the Salvation Army to get food vouchers and bus tokens when I took my 9 month old son away from an abusive situation.
I went to school, I met my sweetheart there, I got a good job and my son is a very happy, successful young man.
Your children will thank you for it.
CNA's start at $9 an hour. I know how you can go to classes for free. It takes 8 weeks. There's all kinds of money out there for nursing. Just by reading your posts I know you'd make a good nurse, LPN or RN. A CNA job is just a foot in the door. There are not too many jobs that are as flexable as healthcare.
You are by no means stuck where you are.
Please continue.... How do i go to class for free?

[Ragin]

NO! I acually said a few choice words then said "welcome to America".

hehe .. I said the same thing to my ex :D

[Ragin]

Please continue.... How do i go to class for free?

Find a college that has the coursework for what you would like to do and apply for college. Then apply for state aid. You do this by filling out a FAFSA (FREE Application for Federal Student Aid ) You can find it online at http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

[mesue]

Please continue.... How do i go to class for free?
I teach a CNA class for BOCES. It's an 8 week course. There are healthcare facilities that will pay some, or all, of your tuition to become an LPN. This is a year long course. There are a bazillion grants out there for people to become an RN. Just google RN Grants and see.
None of my students pay. It goes by income and you have to have children to support. Should you leave him, or, beter yet, get him deported, your income level drops significantly. You would qualify in a heartbeat. Should your income level not qualify, it's $900.

[truebe]

Thank you Mesue and Regin, I will call around tomorrow and let you know what happens.

[Riven37]

your absolutly right. I want my house. every thing you said, is right.

I have been talking to him more and more, I am trying to get some place. and tonight I did in fact ask him how bad he wanted to be a citizen.... and then told him it wont happen until I go to School and finish.

He then smiled and tried to hug me, I backed up and said "Dont touch me" I dont want this marriage or you at all, I just want to go to School.

So lets see if I can maintain control as Riven said.

I want to thank you all. It is because of all of you that I left my room today, and stood up for my self. I feel a bit better today, and hopfully even more tomorrow.

I love all of you.

5 years ago my friend went thrrough her divorce, and she lost it all, the house, money, all. She had a lawyer, a good one the court believed him so, she won nothing, and he won nothing. She lost her home through forclosure, lost income because he wasn't the nices person...just remember, women don't get everything these days...

[therising]

House and money mean nothing in relation to your sanity and the well-being of your kids.

[Jaded]

Truebe - Be careful. You may feel embolded after corresponding with the group but remember no one online can help you behind closed doors. You gave your husband a certain amount of power by marrying him and living under the conditions he stipulated for however long you've been married. He also know that by not having the education or employment he feels in control. If you start getting really venomous with him he may seek other ways to make himself feel in control again. DON'T THREATEN HIM!!! Yes, if you really want out of the marriage then seek out your options discreetly.

You should prepare yourself for reality though. If he let you go to school would you stay with him? If you would stay with him - then maybe you should really just see a marriage concellor. I tend to believe that you're venting. Many people vent about their relationships. You obviously already know that you hold power over his immigration otherwise you probably wouldn't have brought it up in the thread.

If you're seriously considering extracating him from your life - be aware that you may get a lot less than $800 a month from him. He may owe you allimony but the children by your own statements aren't his, at best he may need to pay for your daughter as you said he took legal responsibility for her even if he didn't take on emotional responsibility for her.

Prepare yourself for the fact that you may need to sell your home and move into someplace smaller. Prepare yourself for the fact that you will have to work and not just after getting your education but during the process and you will be exhausted there is no way around it. You'll be raising your children, going to school, going to work, paying or juggling the bills, cooking, cleaning -- All of it!! If you still want a divorce from him after accepting all of these burdens. Then you're really ready for divorce.

Good luck either way.

[truebe]

Thank you Jaded.

Every one's replies helps a lot.

I don’t want to send him back to India, I know I can, but I don’t want to. I know if he goes back his life is worthless and I don’t want that.
I also know that his ways are called "Abuse" in America and I cant handle that either.
I have asked him over and over to simply lay off the kids, but he cant, and he admitted he cant. He said girls should be in the house, clean and quiet, so when my daughter plays out side he flips out, he grabs her arm and questions her motives.
I can assure you he does not think he is being abusive, it’s his culture, and I cant take his culture from him, yet I cant allow it either.

No one gets married to get a divorce, of course if this marriage was workable I would put forth every effort to save it. I did ask him to attend marriage therapy but he said it was a waste of time and money.

It’s hard for me to simply walk away because I do care, at the same time I don’t, what ever that means because I cant figure it out.

In my opinion there 3 sides to every story, mine, yours and the truth. Not saying that any one lies, but we tell a story based on how we see it. I realize that I cant get a completely accurate response when you don’t know every end of it, but still the replies make me smile and that is the important part.

[Jaded]

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a step by step set of proceedures to handle every situation --

Probably not - I know I'd be the first one complaining about my limited options. ;)

[truebe]

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a step by step set of proceedures to handle every situation --

Probably not - I know I'd be the first one complaining about my limited options. ;)
That is funny, because every time I talk to people from Church, I always say “I wish God would come down and tell me exactly what it is I should do” …

I just keep waiting, and waiting and I am confident that talking to all of you to distract my every day trials, patience and God will in time provide the answer.

[truebe]

Thank you Mesue and Regin, I will call around tomorrow and let you know what happens.
I applied for college and went for 3 days then was forced in to quitting this past semester. I know it seems it makes Ted a bigger jerk, but I understood his motives.
In the 3 days I went, I didn’t do dishes, I didn’t clean any thing or do laundry. Well, I didn’t cook either, the kids were happy with PB&J and/or soup, so he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go. He also told me that by me going to School, once I am done with School our marriage would definitely end because I would be working and not need him any more …?? Honestly I don’t understand that one, He tells me he is leaving me all the time, then said that, any one know the meaning?

Any way, I called School back yesterday, and today they called me back, and I will be going back in January. She said I have to pay them $350. For dropping out this semester but I’m good for next semester.
I did call Ted at work to tell him, when he comes home today I will talk to him more about it, and then perhaps you can all help me analyze the situation because most of the time I don’t understand his motives, so it helps getting all of your input on it.

I want to be an Administrative Assistant, so I was taking classes for my Associates in applied science. Any one know how much an Administrative Assistant makes? Some people tell me they start at only $9. Or $10. An hour.

If they don’t make much around here then I think I will go for Crime Seine investigator.

Let me know what all of you think.

[Jaded]

All I can say is specialize.

The range is vast. I'm an admin assistant with 20 years experience and bs in computer information systems. I didn't get my degree until much later in my carreer. By then I couldn't afford to start over as a computer operator and work my way up... Specialization is the way to go. Anyone who can type (and you don't have to be fast), know the common word processing programs, answer phones, filing, organizing, and scheduling can be an admin assistant - you don't need a degree.

What you need to do is get into a company or non-profit and get experience. While you're working - specialize by this I mean fill in the gaps where you work. If you're an admin in a health field learn billing codes, terminology. If you're an admin in a legal office learn the terminology and take legal courses. If you work in a non-profit office take on assisting with grant writing. Taking on more means more head-aches in the beginning but it comes with rewards like being able to apply to better paying jobs, all of which means more responsibility but you can do it. If you can manage your husband, and your children and their school and their doctor visits and paying bills on time you can be Admin Assistant.

Brush up on your computer skills - word processing, development of spreadsheets and database management. If you haven't any experience with these things donate your time to a worthy charity and ask to get involved with those areas. If your family worships - donate your time there and hone your skills. This way you learn how get all your household responsibilities done while being out of the house part of the time and it expands your resume with real world experience until you land yourself a paying job. The education is great but you should use the education to advance where you want go when you know what you want to do as it can be very costly to dapple in college if you don't know what direction you want to go.:)

[Anotherview]

whatever happened with Tuebe? Did she divorce?

[justKel]

whatever happened with Tuebe? Did she divorce?

Damn... Talk about digging up old threads!

[speaker]

I often wonder about Trueby, too.

Too bad she stopped posting and I hope she's OK. Amazing how many people are out there living lives in 'quiet desperation'.

[CAugust]

many many many many............

I worked once with the Amherst Domestic Violence Task Force in realtionship to helping some families through my scouts volunteering. They said that we have no idea how many women are victims out here of bulling, controlling men, usually but not always from another culture. Yes it can work the other way around, but its not as reported or the norm.

I had a friend who said I was doing a diservice, that I should be concentrating my efforts on helping woman and children in the city, as they more often than not have no way out or the means to get out...

REALLY???? woman marries man, woman does not work, has a few kids, man starts to abuse the woman and maybe the children - very controlling. Woman has no money, if she leaves she in no way can provide the type of education and surroundings for her children, hence she stays in the relationship. Is it better to leave for the childs sake anyway? Yes - but they dont always think that way......... sad yes..... I assure you that we do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Surfing USA]

It sounds like her husband was in it for citizenship and she was in it for the money.

Personally, I think they deserve each other. :p

The only victims, in this case, are the kids. :(

[joe d.]

It sounds like her husband was in it for citizenship and she was in it for the money.

Personally, I think they deserve each other. :p

The only victims, in this case, are the kids. :(

I dont know about that..but that DOT on his forehead...woulda made an excellent BULLSEYE!!:D

[PlayingKoi]

When reading this thread, I wondered: did she know that he was in it just for citizenship from the start? I know that this pales in light of the abuse, but relevant. If she know, she was commiting a crime. Not only that, but by now she has probably made that jerk legal.

[Anotherview]

I think she loved him. I got this when she said she didn't want to have him deported. I also didn't think she realized that the way she was treated is the way this culture treats their wives.

[Surfing USA]

I think she loved him. I got this when she said she didn't want to have him deported. I also didn't think she realized that the way she was treated is the way this culture treats their wives.I got the impression she loved "her house" more than anything else, including her kids. :eek:

If she truly loved her kids, she wouldn't worry so much about losing material possessions. ;)

[CAugust]

I got the impression she loved "her house" more than anything else, including her kids. :eek:

If she truly loved her kids, she wouldn't worry so much about losing material possessions. ;)


YOU have no idea though - a woman with no money and no where to go - yes we can say go go go and start over and your kids will have no home and all will be fine. It's not that easy and it scares some women.

[Surfing USA]

YOU have no idea though - a woman with no money and no where to go - yes we can say go go go and start over and your kids will have no home and all will be fine. It's not that easy and it scares some women.She stated, in her initial post, "My biggest fear is loosing my house."

She also mentions her mother saying, "you don't marry your vacation," in another post. That tells me two things.

1.) She has a mother to help her out.
2.) She saw a "good opportunity" on vacation and married this guy "overnight."

She had also said, "every man interested in me simply don’t make enough."

What does that say for this woman. It tells me that she is concerned more about material things than happiness for her, and more importantly, her children.

[Anotherview]

YOU have no idea though - a woman with no money and no where to go - yes we can say go go go and start over and your kids will have no home and all will be fine. It's not that easy and it scares some women.

Unless she signed a pre-nup, she should be entitled to something (part of house, assets, etc). Also, she never mentioned how long she was married which would also come into play here.

[CAugust]

I'd like to give her the benfit of the doubt though - but I understand your thinking.

1) not all moms are like mine or probably yours since you mentioned mom being around to help. I know moms of my friends that when they got married they were not allowed to take their own childhood beds with them. I know other gramas that will NOT watch their own grandchildren over night....amazes me really.....

2) dont marry your vacation - yup, good advice, but she also posted that he was sweet and kind in the beginning....... typical behavior I would think from someone wanting "in" to this country

3) as far as her post about the men that are interested in her dont make enough money - perhaps that was about being able to pay the costs that are associated with her home...

any good divorce lawyer will tell their female client - do NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! you will lose it.....

BUT - now that you mention it - where the hell was the father of these children????? anyway?????? hmmmmmmmmm

THe jury is out and I hope she did see the light and got out..... maybe he ended up leaving? I guess we will never really know......

My children come first - above anyone, and I am amazed at parents that think differently..... you did make valid points though............

[CAugust]

Unless she signed a pre-nup, she should be entitled to something (part of house, assets, etc). Also, she never mentioned how long she was married which would also come into play here.


from my understanding - spousal support is a think of the past and as far as child support, none of the kids were his..............

[Anotherview]

from my understanding - spousal support is a think of the past and as far as child support, none of the kids were his..............

Isn't New York State a Community Property State in that assets acquired within the marriage are split 50/50? Or did this change?

[therising]

She married a guy she never really liked.

She certainly doesn't deserve violence of any sort, but does she deserve unhappiness? Yeah.

[mesue]

Damn... Talk about digging up old threads!Yeah, makes you wonder who people really are.

[Anotherview]

I was just curious to find out if anyone knew the outcome of this situation . I do not know her

[mesue]

I was just curious to find out if anyone knew the outcome of this situation . I do not know her
How did you come across a 2+ year old thread?

[Anotherview]

How did you come across a 2+ year old thread?

I was looking in the "who's on line " section and I noticed someone was viewing this. It seemed pretty interesting so I read. And, at the end, I was curious if anyone every learned the outcome of her situation.